I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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