someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
