i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
