I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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