so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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