I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
