Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
