First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
