Since when is my name a synonym for head?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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