No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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