Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
