Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
