this is something i pride myself on being below average for
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
