Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
