you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
