Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
