He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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