I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
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we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
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I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
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