singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
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His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
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If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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