In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I love having hate sex.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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