cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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