Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
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My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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