I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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