you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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