oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
