defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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