I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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