So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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