if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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