i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
