i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
