I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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