So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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