I feel like abortions should bother me more
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
