I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
This house was built for laser tag.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
