Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
