What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
