is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
