I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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