I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
