3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
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