You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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