Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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