One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
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Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
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Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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