We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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