I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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