I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
We need to get me chipped asap