Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
