I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
