You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
