Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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