I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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